I just discovered that I am a fan of Katy Perry! I wouldn’t have thunk it, had no idea, and sometimes get the feeling I’m “too old and out of it” to enjoy much of “the young people’s music.” (I’m only 40, so that’s a bit crazy, but if you know me, -I’m- a bit crazy, so…) I have Netflix and because I watch and enjoy many concerts, music documentaries, artist documentaries, Netflix suggested “Katy Perry: Part of Me.”
I looked at that recommendation with some suspicion and ignored it for awhile, then finally read the description and some reviews and realized it sounded interesting to me. Well it WAS interesting, fun, sad, inspirational, etc. etc to me.
I broke down in tears during the film, something I also hadn’t expected at all. It was during her extensive touring schedule and her marriage with Russell Brand began falling apart. Throughout the movie they showed Katy Perry travelling to meet up with Russell every chance she could, in the process passing up the rest she needed and it also showed how very rarely Russell made the effort to travel and see Katy. It seemed, and was discussed in the movie that Katy was trying and trying and trying to make it work.
The place that brought me to tears was during all this was when Katy was sobbing for 20+ minutes before a concert, unable to get a hold on herself, incredibly sad, disappointed, confused, and exhausted. That happened when all her efforts to “make it work” failed. She was very much out of it and just so sad. They weren’t sure, she wasn’t sure that she’d be able to do the concert. But she did. And at the end of her first song, the audience started crying out in unison “Katy Perry, We Love You, Katy Perry, We Love You, Katy Perry, We Love You.” I could see that chant and all that love hit her, make her stop, gasp, and her eyes filled with tears. In that moment, what I saw was the universe providing Katy with just what she needed, exactly when she needed it. She was so fragile and as the love washed over her, I could see her gaining strength. It was a beautiful example and reminder for me that we often get what we so desperately need, just when we need it.
In that circumstance, I might say that I could have used that realization of love earlier in the midst of my despair. I want to be comforted and for things to be “made right” with little patience for it to come when it will. In this movie about a pop star, I found the reassurance and love that spoke to me, that I hadn’t expected. This is one of the things I find so beautiful about life, that I am surprised by things about ME, even when I start thinking I know myself. There are surprises in this existence that make me stop and rethink my life, make me stop, breathe, and give thanks, make me wordless with the beauty of our world and our relationships. I am so grateful for the unexpected in life!
And I’m so grateful for the belief I now have that no matter what, I’ll be ok. No matter what, something will work out. I didn’t have that belief for most of my life, it’s something I’ve gained through my experience in Al-Anon and 12 Step Work. Before this when something hard happened, such as me going into a deep depression, a loved one dying, some other tragedy or painful time, I often thought “I can’t survive this. I can’t stand this. This is going to kill me.” Now I know, deep inside, that I will be ok, no matter what. This provides freedom, wonder, and comfort that I’ve never known before.
I WILL BE OK. I WILL SURVIVE. I CAN DO THIS. Things may be falling apart everywhere I look in my life, regardless, I know I will come out of it. I am grateful for so much in my life right now, much of it connected to my work in Al-Anon where I have learned I am lovable, that people enjoy listening to me share, that I move people, that there is a safe place. With these learnings, I am able to experience the world as a brighter, less frightening place than I did before. I can accept the bright, beautiful, burning love that appeared on my doorstep, rather than chase it away or hide as I’ve done so many times in the past. It can still be difficult, no doubt, but I am grateful.
Just so you know, I realize this is long and could use some editing, but I need to simply get it out there, if I begin editing it, there is no guarantee it will EVER get out!