Monthly Archives: April 2013

A very long winded answer to the question “Are you coming home permanently?”

great writing about travel and expanding your existence!

At Least I'm Writing

Sometimes I just sit and look at a map of the world. I run my fingertips over mountains and along rivers. I try to picture being there beneath the trees, or swimming in that lake, driving down that road. What does the sky look like there? How does the air feel?

When I left the UK 2 years and 3 months ago I knew I was taking a big step, but I hadn’t quite bargained for how it would change me and my mind-set forever. I used to say I was content staying in the UK, why leave when I’ve not explored it all anyway? That was fear talking. Self-doubt. I didn’t think I had it in me to throw what I could into a rucksack and leave. When I did leave, unknown to me at the time, I was setting myself up for a life of one-way flights, worn out sandals…

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ARGH Fibromyalgia, you thief!

I am exhausted in all the ways I can think of; physically, mentally, emotionally, and the other “llys'”  The wonderful thing in my life I am preparing for, a trip to the UK to spend three weeks with my boyfriend, is wonderful!  It’s amazing to me that I will be boarding a plane in less than one week and flying over land and water until I end up in a place where they speak differently and drive on the other side of the road!  I feel incredibly fortunate to have both my sweet, loving boyfriend and to be travelling to England.

All well and good, right?  Not so fast.  I’ll remind you, I have Fibromyalgia.  It makes “normal” things exhausting and exhausting things totally overwhelming.  I have spent at least three hours in the past two days on the phone or connected to the phone, trying to get enough of my medications to last me for the three weeks I’ll be gone.  I am so exhausted from this time on the phone with insurance company, pharmacy, doctor office, AND the fact that I am STILL not sure I will get my medications in time.  It’s highly likely to work out, as things tend to work out, I’ve learned, but it is so stressful!

I’m in a ton of pain, nauseous, headache, a bit dizzy, hot and cold, and probably some other things if I think about it for a moment.  No, I don’t have the flu or a cold.  No, it won’t help to go to the doctor or take Vitamin C because these symptoms are part of “normal existence” when you have Fibro.  It is also highly likely that I will go into a flare before I leave or once I get to England.  A flare can keep me down for weeks.  These are the things that make Fibromyalgia such a bitch to deal with.  It’s not just the pain or the exhaustion, it’s the way those things conspire to make my life so much smaller than it once was.  I simply don’t have the energy for more.  Fibro be Damned!

Chronically Ill Folks Need A Break

At Least I'm Writing

The hardest part of having a chronic illness is not the pain, it’s not the fatigue or the worry, or the medical bills or the medication – it’s the smiling and pretending to be fine.

The hardest part of depression is not the dark thoughts, the isolation or the continuing sense of impending doom – it’s also the smiling and pretending to be fine.

Sometimes I want to be depressed. Yes I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s because being depressed is a lot less effort than being happy. I understand it’s usually the other way around for most people, but I gather that I am not most people. And sometimes I want to stay in my pajamas and shuffle around and eat ice cream for breakfast and smoke rollies (even though I don’t smoke anymore) and drink copious amounts of tea instead of eating because it’s easier. I also really like laying on…

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