Monthly Archives: May 2013

Bipolar, chronic pain, emotional intensity, exhaustion

I haven’t been online much today because I woke up with my back “out.”  When I say “out” it usually refers to low back pain that makes it difficult to walk, sit, or lay comfortably.  My back hadn’t been this severely painful for quite awhile and it scared me.  When it gets this bad, the cruelly misleading voice in my head begins reminding me of when my back was so bad that I could not work, and participated in months of physical rehabilitation, after a car accident.  The cruel voice whispers memories of that time in my life where most if my time was spent in rehab and not knowing how I was going to survive.  It was a scary, painful time in my life and when my pain is so severe I become frightened that “it’s happening again.”. That today’s back pain is a signal of worse things to come and I become irrational and frightened.

Everyday I live with pain, it clings to me, I feel I have the flu all the time.  This is pretty common for people with Fibromyalgia and we all learn to deal with it in different ways.  The daily flu-like feeling puts a fog over my thoughts and utter exhaustion over my body and soul.  I am a warrior and deal with this everyday, as do millions of other people.  This makes life itself overwhelming, before you even throw in medical appointments, figuring out how to survive when you feel ill everyday.

I also live with incredibly quick changing moods and emotions.  I can go from feeling pretty content and pleased to feeling hopeless and suicidal within an afternoon.  This has been diagnosed as bipolar and also as emotional intensity disorder.  Whatever you call it, it too is utterly exhausting.  I am not a “slave” to my emotions, as some might judge.  I have developed so many tools over my 40 years of life and use them liberally.  But no wonder I am consistently exhausted.  These struggles are ones that are rarely quick fixes and they are oppressive.  There is little time or room to have a breather, and damnit, I am exhausted. 
Continue reading Bipolar, chronic pain, emotional intensity, exhaustion

Do all fibromyalgia sufferers deserve the SAME support? YES!

FighterZine

 

By: Haullie Volker

A fibromyalgia survivor doesn’t fit into a particular category. They aren’t a “she” or a “he”. They’re both. We come in different sizes big and small and we still matter, we’re no less important because of shape or height. Or the sound of our voice, or how much or how little we speak. We’re no less important even in times of fibro fog. We’re no less important because of how severe our pain is compared to someone else’s pain either. We’re so different and that is what makes us so important, unique and valid in this world. We even have different sets of beliefs systems, some of us believe in the Universe, some of us believe in God, some of us are Atheist or Buddhist…and you know what? We still all deserve and need the same kind of love, understanding and support.

 

Some of us…

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I’ve got the magic cure, one breath at a time.

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Depression has raised it’s ugly head in my existence again and I feel completely exhausted and in pain.  I have “medication resistant” depression, which means there aren’t any medications approved that help lift the depression which grabs me and drags me down.  I went to a meeting today, one of my survival techniques, and we discussed being in the moment, not spending our whole lives worrying about what WILL be or what WAS, but rather letting those things be and concentrating on the moment in front of us.  I always want this magic cure mentioned in the quote.  I want to believe there will be SOMETHING I will find that helps dramatically, that holds me away from the bottom far enough that I’m not considering suicide.  My struggle is to accept and be with the now, even when it feels like crap, and even when it feels great.  I tend to disappear at both ends of the spectrum.  What I used to describe as flowing into the feeling, the experience, I now realize, is me essentially disconnecting from my body, from the experience in front of me, from the now.   

The fact that I still get suicidal feelings and desires is something I’m really uncomfortable with.  I thought, according to my expectations, that I would get to the point where suicide wasn’t an idea I would entertain, I would “refuse” to entertain the idea.  But it hasn’t got to that point, regardless of the growth I’ve made in many areas.  There is new love in my life, what kind of crap is it that I’m thinking about suicide?  Why doesn’t the love cancel out those dark thoughts?  Perhaps because there is more work for me to do.  I unfairly expect things to “get easy” at some juncture, setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment when I am reminded that life just IS.  The good times, horrible times, boring times, sick times, ecstatic times, they are all just LIFE and I can’t take one without the other.