Depression has raised it’s ugly head in my existence again and I feel completely exhausted and in pain. I have “medication resistant” depression, which means there aren’t any medications approved that help lift the depression which grabs me and drags me down. I went to a meeting today, one of my survival techniques, and we discussed being in the moment, not spending our whole lives worrying about what WILL be or what WAS, but rather letting those things be and concentrating on the moment in front of us. I always want this magic cure mentioned in the quote. I want to believe there will be SOMETHING I will find that helps dramatically, that holds me away from the bottom far enough that I’m not considering suicide. My struggle is to accept and be with the now, even when it feels like crap, and even when it feels great. I tend to disappear at both ends of the spectrum. What I used to describe as flowing into the feeling, the experience, I now realize, is me essentially disconnecting from my body, from the experience in front of me, from the now.
The fact that I still get suicidal feelings and desires is something I’m really uncomfortable with. I thought, according to my expectations, that I would get to the point where suicide wasn’t an idea I would entertain, I would “refuse” to entertain the idea. But it hasn’t got to that point, regardless of the growth I’ve made in many areas. There is new love in my life, what kind of crap is it that I’m thinking about suicide? Why doesn’t the love cancel out those dark thoughts? Perhaps because there is more work for me to do. I unfairly expect things to “get easy” at some juncture, setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment when I am reminded that life just IS. The good times, horrible times, boring times, sick times, ecstatic times, they are all just LIFE and I can’t take one without the other.