I haven’t been online much today because I woke up with my back “out.” When I say “out” it usually refers to low back pain that makes it difficult to walk, sit, or lay comfortably. My back hadn’t been this severely painful for quite awhile and it scared me. When it gets this bad, the cruelly misleading voice in my head begins reminding me of when my back was so bad that I could not work, and participated in months of physical rehabilitation, after a car accident. The cruel voice whispers memories of that time in my life where most if my time was spent in rehab and not knowing how I was going to survive. It was a scary, painful time in my life and when my pain is so severe I become frightened that “it’s happening again.”. That today’s back pain is a signal of worse things to come and I become irrational and frightened.
Everyday I live with pain, it clings to me, I feel I have the flu all the time. This is pretty common for people with Fibromyalgia and we all learn to deal with it in different ways. The daily flu-like feeling puts a fog over my thoughts and utter exhaustion over my body and soul. I am a warrior and deal with this everyday, as do millions of other people. This makes life itself overwhelming, before you even throw in medical appointments, figuring out how to survive when you feel ill everyday.
I also live with incredibly quick changing moods and emotions. I can go from feeling pretty content and pleased to feeling hopeless and suicidal within an afternoon. This has been diagnosed as bipolar and also as emotional intensity disorder. Whatever you call it, it too is utterly exhausting. I am not a “slave” to my emotions, as some might judge. I have developed so many tools over my 40 years of life and use them liberally. But no wonder I am consistently exhausted. These struggles are ones that are rarely quick fixes and they are oppressive. There is little time or room to have a breather, and damnit, I am exhausted.