Monthly Archives: June 2013

Who’s Been Reading Lately?

“When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.” -Mary Oliver-Image

 

I want to know, does anyone read books about Fibromyalgia? Anyone that is, who has Fibro. For me, Fibromyalgia has come with exhaustion, pain, brain fog, and many other symptoms that contribute to making it hard for me to pay attention. I also have a diagnosis of ADD, which I suppose doesn’t count as a plus for me in the paying attention side! I swear I have good intentions when I get one of these books, I do! But in the drama of living everyday with all this pain, things get put aside and forgotten about, things like books. I actually miss reading and used to be quite a voracious reader. I’ve found this to be quite common in other folks who have Fibromyalgia, that they used to read alot or otherwise engage in “scholarly practices,” but they now find it quite difficult to keep up.

I started this post in a somewhat cheery frame of mind and would like to keep it that way. So instead of bitching about the worries and pains I have, I’m going to talk about the books. Books, books, books! To those of you who ARE able to read and take in this information from the printed or Kindled word, do you have any tips? I have numerous books about Fibromyalgia as well as ADD; Fibromyalgia for Dummies, Driven to Distraction, etc…I tend to get into the books for a decent size chunk, when I get lucky, and then put them aside, effectively, NEVER to be read again. It’s a damn shame, a damn shame I tell you! This great, potentionally helpful information all around me, and me unable to partake of it.

In my imagination, I see readings in public places, of such books, where those of us who want to learn, can come and listen, and those who are able can speak, read the books out loud. It could become a “community” thing for folks who might not otherwise have a “community.” (By community, I mean a group or number of people who you feel are close friends, family, like family; something that helps you feel a part of the world.)

It’s all good to have ideas of public readings, but who is gonna do it? I have ideas for days but little energy. I suppose this could come back to community and whether I am a part of one. I could share my ideas within this community and there might be people out there without ideas who DO have the energy and desire to do them. So it’s another exercise in reaching out and opening up to others. To having faith in humanity and our potential for good things, our shared love for one another, our hope. Our actions.

Married to amazement.  I can’t think of anything better to be!

Gratitude

ImageI’ve been thinking the last couple days about how very fortunate I am and feeling grateful that I recognize that good fortune. Somehow I’ve entered into a relationship with a man from England. Somewhat suddenly, I have someone to visit across the pond. And the good fortune to have a best friend who has enough money to share it and help me get to England. I mean, how amazing is that? It’s pretty damn amazing! When I was young, I don’t remember what I dreamed of being, but I never imagined I’d be someone who has been to Europe three times, all through the kindness of friends and loved ones. 

Something that has changed within me is that I now have faith. And I don’t necessarily mean “faith in god,” although I am still developing a relationship with my higher power. The faith I have that I -never- had before is that everything will work out. No matter what comes at me, I know I will survive it, I know something else will come, I know there are changes on the horizon, that I never know what life will bring. I know that I really only have control over myself and no one and nothing else. I have control over what I do with my time, my mind, my body, my soul. I have control over what I intake in terms of media, other people, etc… I can recognize the options I have, the choices which never seemed open to me in the past. I can know that I will be ok, somehow. And know it. And I’ll tell you, it really feels good.

I have these options, these choices, this control and it does feel good. This doesn’t mean my mood swings have stopped. It doesn’t mean I don’t get very anxious when I am trying to be social. It doesn’t mean suicidal thoughts have stopped entering my consciousness. It means I have some peace, moments here and there. And that I know there will be more peace if I keep on working my program. I also know there will be more pain, but somehow I am ok with that. It’s still easy for me to get stuck in self pity and feeling my maladies are the result of some crap conspiracy. But I don’t go there as often, and when I am in those places, I don’t stay as long. I will be forever grateful for the person who led me to Al-Anon (for friends and family of alcoholics) and for Al-Anon itself. I have found such healing in the rooms when I hear my story coming out of the lips of so many different people. I began to realize -I Wasn’t Bad- because I didn’t view the other people in my meetings as irrevocably bad, making it possible for me to believe I’m just another human being. Simple and sweet. Complicated and cruel. Lost and found. I am part of the human pack and for that I am also grateful.    Image