I’ve been thinking the last couple days about how very fortunate I am and feeling grateful that I recognize that good fortune. Somehow I’ve entered into a relationship with a man from England. Somewhat suddenly, I have someone to visit across the pond. And the good fortune to have a best friend who has enough money to share it and help me get to England. I mean, how amazing is that? It’s pretty damn amazing! When I was young, I don’t remember what I dreamed of being, but I never imagined I’d be someone who has been to Europe three times, all through the kindness of friends and loved ones.
Something that has changed within me is that I now have faith. And I don’t necessarily mean “faith in god,” although I am still developing a relationship with my higher power. The faith I have that I -never- had before is that everything will work out. No matter what comes at me, I know I will survive it, I know something else will come, I know there are changes on the horizon, that I never know what life will bring. I know that I really only have control over myself and no one and nothing else. I have control over what I do with my time, my mind, my body, my soul. I have control over what I intake in terms of media, other people, etc… I can recognize the options I have, the choices which never seemed open to me in the past. I can know that I will be ok, somehow. And know it. And I’ll tell you, it really feels good.
I have these options, these choices, this control and it does feel good. This doesn’t mean my mood swings have stopped. It doesn’t mean I don’t get very anxious when I am trying to be social. It doesn’t mean suicidal thoughts have stopped entering my consciousness. It means I have some peace, moments here and there. And that I know there will be more peace if I keep on working my program. I also know there will be more pain, but somehow I am ok with that. It’s still easy for me to get stuck in self pity and feeling my maladies are the result of some crap conspiracy. But I don’t go there as often, and when I am in those places, I don’t stay as long. I will be forever grateful for the person who led me to Al-Anon (for friends and family of alcoholics) and for Al-Anon itself. I have found such healing in the rooms when I hear my story coming out of the lips of so many different people. I began to realize -I Wasn’t Bad- because I didn’t view the other people in my meetings as irrevocably bad, making it possible for me to believe I’m just another human being. Simple and sweet. Complicated and cruel. Lost and found. I am part of the human pack and for that I am also grateful.