I am thinking about gratitude tonight.
I am grateful for Biscuit needing to go outside. I am grateful for the stillness outside. The beautiful covering of snow everywhere.
I am grateful that Hall and Oates exist. I am grateful for the way their music grabs me. I am grateful for the spirit that comes over me when I find myself dancing throughout the apartment while listening to Sara Smile. I am grateful that spirit grabs me and gets me out of the heightened pain I’ve been in lately.
I am grateful for getting out today and playing Bingo, which I always enjoy.
I’m grateful for the warm, fuzzy, cuckoo love Biscuit and CoCo show me daily.
I am grateful for the clarity to see that I DO have much to be grateful for. A roof over my head. Heat. Food. A good bed. An electric blanket. (BestThingEver!) Grateful for my internet access.
And I am grateful that I am not lost in depression and sadness in this moment. There is sadness in my heart. Unresolved issues. Fears. Vulnerability. But in THIS moment, I can feel those things without having them slam me down like a huge ocean wave.
I wonder where I got my “funk” from. My dancing self. My need to snap my fingers, close my eyes, wiggle my body to the beat of what moves me. As I get to know my biological Mom better, I believe I may get that from her. And that, the discovering, is a beautiful thing.
I give thanks to the support I have in my life. I give thanks for AlAnon where I learned there is no problem too great to be lessened and that I don’t have to do this on my own. I am grateful I can hear and listen to music. That I can snap my fingers and bounce my feet around. (for a SHORT amount of time!) I am grateful for this borrowed laptop I am typing on. I am grateful my experiences can help others.
I am grateful for Hope. And grateful for YouTube!
I saw my psychiatrist on Friday. A doc I like and appreciate and can tell that he cares. (Most important factor to me)
We talked again about me feeling depressed, lost, sad, anxious. He went through a list of meds with at least 30 names on it, and I’ve been on almost all of them. This is a regular appointment for me, discussing any options, usually no new ones, for helping the depression and anxiety I struggle with.
But this appointment was different.
He mentioned a newer drug that’s come out and asked if I’d been on it. Amazingly enough, I’ve never been on it. Now I am trying this new med, started on Saturday, and I feel a bit of hope.
Maybe it won’t help at all, but wouldn’t it be great if it DID help? Even to still struggle with depression, but with breaks from the stranglehold it has on my soul. If it just quiets the suicidal impulses. Just helping one of the struggles with my mental health, maybe I could breathe more. Trust more. Be More Heidi.
I am beginning a new dance with an unfamiliar drug. I hope to sing through the rain, rather than having it bog me down and drown me.
I hate depression.
I hate chronic illness and pain.
I hate waking up sick.
I hate feeling anxious and frightened upon waking.
I hate knowing I have much to be grateful for and that not being enough.
I hate thinking propelling myself off a building or cliff is what I should do and thinking it repeatedly.
I hate knowing I am the only one who can change my life, yet feeling I barely have enough energy to breathe and get through the day.
I hate being miserable and wafting that misery wherever I go.
I hate that there aren’t anti depressants to help me.
I hate crying day after day after day.
I hate the knots in my stomach and body, chunks of anxiety and pain.
I hate feeling like I come up against a brick wall everywhere I turn.
I hate knowing there are people who care for me and not being able to take more strength and pleasure in that.
I hate feeling like a broken record.
I hate feeling my life is pointless.
I am SO INCREDIBLY tired of this and I hate not knowing what to do any longer.