Can I tell you what amazing thing I realized this weekend?
I realized I no longer view the world/god/spirit as something out to get me. In the past, I would spend most my time believing that the pain in my life was “being done” to me. And I would see examples of horrible tragedies and think the same sort of thoughts, the world/god/spirit is just mean, with a capital M. Yesterday I was talking with a friend and realized I don’t think that anymore. I don’t live in a constant state of being the victim, constantly wondering and feeling why life was “out to get me,” (and others.) I don’t live in that place anymore and I realized this while watching an episode of Louie. Part 2 of the duckling episode. Inspiration and realizations can come in the strangest packages.
Now, I am SO GRATEFUL that I can see the world, its ebbs and flows, and I can appreciate it. I realize (most of the time) that there ISN’T some entity out to get me, that this is just life and there is great beauty in it when I can accept that I see great pain and great joy side by side, and realize it is Life. Nothing more, nothing less. This is Life. And Life is beautiful.
Day 2. Grateful for my space heater bumping the apartment temperature above 62. ♥
I am trying out a new idea here, doing a regular weekly (?) post here or sending a weekly email to folks who support me, about the positive things I’ve done that week. I welcome any ideas of how best to do this!
Today I am grateful because I got some things done. That included closing my accounts with GenericLargeBankChain(tm,) depositing those funds into my new Credit Union account, getting my rent sent in with a check from the new account, sorting out a bunch of cords that were tangled on the floor; and in doing so, figuring out which one goes to the tablet and which connects my cell to the computer and labeling said cords; using my TENS Unit, taking a shower, feeding and caring for Biscuit and CoCo, repeating Affirmations out loud, making some needed phone calls, working with Biscuit on his Steps to the Bed, and starting the 365 Days of Gratitude project.
I’m sharing this with ya’ll because I can use your support and encouragement and just because I want to share when I am proud for getting something done that I may have been putting off for months. This effort is part of my movement toward more positivity, more life within my life, more things I can feel good about, and less isolation. I welcome your feedback, but it’s totally up to you. If you are receiving this and would rather not, please let me know that as well.
And THANK YOU! Thank you for being someone I feel safe enough to share my life with. The things I listed here might not seem like a “big deal,” but in my daily struggles with depression, constant pain and fatigue, they ARE a big deal.