I came down to sit in the ped mall for a bit today and got in some major people watching time. And I saw most people in pairs and groups; the ratio of folks walking alone vs. with others was probably 1 to 10. (Dont think thats how you write a ratio, oh well)

And I saw groups of people sitting on patios of restaurants; loud talking and laughing. And I realized how uncomfortable I am in the same setting. Being in a group of people and being expected to interact makes me nervous. Some folks know me as a loud, cuckoo, life of the party type; and that is part of me. It comes out when I am among people I know better and trust a bit. But the idea of joining a group of people already established, already in the midst of conversation; well that scares me. Suppose it goes back to feeling less than others; so I dont value myself and my contribution. That leads to me staying away from gatherings, which leads me to avoid them even more; viscious circle started. I feel lonely and desirous of a tribe, a family, a group but often stay out of the very places I might make such connections.

I can see a movie alone, go places alone, concerts and such and be more comfortable than going with someone else. Again because I want to be liked and feel like I am complicated and when I go out to such things, if I need to leave because my stomachs’ gone wonky, walk super slow because my back is wrenched, leave because I feel clauaterphobic. I feel free to do such things when alone and feel like I am ruining people’s plans. So I stay away and do things alone and keep myself more and more alone if I’m not careful.


2 thoughts on “Different

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