I wonder if the things I feel and do are anything like other peoples.’ Does anyone else struggle with loneliness so deep and strong that I think of killing myself? Dread going home because it feels like such a lonely place, even with Biscuit and CoCo? Look at groups of people and couples and wish I could somehow, anyhow, be a part? Feel hurt because my neighbors have cars in their driveway and I am humanly alone?
Part of me believes I am just some kind of fuck up, defective, WRONG. And I’ve got my reasons for thinking that, not gonna go into the list right now. I have done so much to be ok, to stay alive, to heal and try and live a life. I know it and I know I am strong. But I am sick of being strong. I want to be craddled in someone’s arms. I want to be part of a group of friends or family. I want a life where feeling intense loneliness and wrongness is not the focus, its just something that comes up sometimes. Instead of feeling like so much of my life is swimming against the current, with exhausted arms.
I am sick of feeling lonely.
I am sick of feeling wrong.
I am sick of the struggle.
And I am damn tired.
One of the things I see other people doing that I seem to have trouble with is having a group of close friends or family and keeping those people close. I don’t seem to be able to have a continuous relationship with many people. To be able to maintain relationships with more than one person. I dont feel a part of much, like I stumble around on the outside, wishing I could get in.
Loneliness is something I’ve struggled with for years. Even when I’m with other people, within moments of getting home, I feel those familiar pangs of “no one to talk to,” “no one to hug,” “no one to watch tv with.” And I allow myself to feel envious, jealous of people around me who seem to have lots of friends, etc, around…
This loneliness thing is something I’ve dealt with for so long that I feel like I don’t know a way out of it. I -DO- keep working on feeling ok with myself. It used to be something I was great at, being alone and being happy about it. And I am grateful I’m not currently closely involved with any addicts. I am grateful for my animals. I am grateful for my friends and family. And so much more. But the loneliness lingers. Sometimes it feels like its smooshing my heart. People I’ve been romantically involved with have gone on and been in other relationships and marriages. And here I am, alone. I don’t know what to do anymore. Loneliness hurts, it stunts me, it affects my ability to connect with others, it leads me to thinking I am less than others.