Am I a freak?

I wonder if the things I feel and do are anything like other peoples.’ Does anyone else struggle with loneliness so deep and strong that I think of killing myself? Dread going home because it feels like such a lonely place, even with Biscuit and CoCo? Look at groups of people and couples and wish I could somehow, anyhow, be a part? Feel hurt because my neighbors have cars in their driveway and I am humanly alone?

Part of me believes I am just some kind of fuck up, defective, WRONG. And I’ve got my reasons for thinking that, not gonna go into the list right now. I have done so much to be ok, to stay alive, to heal and try and live a life. I know it and I know I am strong. But I am sick of being strong. I want to be craddled in someone’s arms. I want to be part of a group of friends or family. I want a life where feeling intense loneliness and wrongness is not the focus, its just something that comes up sometimes. Instead of feeling like so much of my life is swimming against the current, with exhausted arms.

I am sick of feeling lonely.
I am sick of feeling wrong.
I am sick of the struggle.
And I am damn tired.

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2 thoughts on “Am I a freak?

  1. Race toward the people who want to love you…Open your arms and let go of your fear… release your fears and smile through your tears. Come home to your family who loves you freely, fully and contently. Feel the spirit that moves through us all, thru every thing with beauty and grace ,breath in the fullness of love and faith,merge your heart and soul ,space, donot fear that you must hide to rebuild the wall, become all become family LOVE YOU MS HEIDI ONE! LOVE MAMI Please donot share this poem I didn’t try to make it good, just from the heart. I love you.

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