I wonder if the things I feel and do are anything like other peoples.’ Does anyone else struggle with loneliness so deep and strong that I think of killing myself? Dread going home because it feels like such a lonely place, even with Biscuit and CoCo? Look at groups of people and couples and wish I could somehow, anyhow, be a part? Feel hurt because my neighbors have cars in their driveway and I am humanly alone?
Part of me believes I am just some kind of fuck up, defective, WRONG. And I’ve got my reasons for thinking that, not gonna go into the list right now. I have done so much to be ok, to stay alive, to heal and try and live a life. I know it and I know I am strong. But I am sick of being strong. I want to be craddled in someone’s arms. I want to be part of a group of friends or family. I want a life where feeling intense loneliness and wrongness is not the focus, its just something that comes up sometimes. Instead of feeling like so much of my life is swimming against the current, with exhausted arms.
I am sick of feeling lonely.
I am sick of feeling wrong.
I am sick of the struggle.
And I am damn tired.