Monthly Archives: September 2014

I Get So Emotional

I often have to remind myself that emotions aren’t the enemy, in truth, it is what I do and say to myself in connection to those feelings that are the problem. It is really difficult to remember that emotions, thoughts, feelings aren’t the enemy when I experience them so intensely. When I am ok one minute and in the next minute -overcome- with loneliness that makes me sick to my stomach and brings tears to my eyes. I just want to get away from the feelings and feel just about anything would be a better option than feeling what I feel. This is where self-harming can come into play.
At some point I recieved a label of “emotional intensity disorder” which I later was told wasn’t a real disorder and something that alot of young women were told they have. I don’t know if its real or not, but it certainly seems it could be and speaks to the problem, the INTENSITY! It’s like something or someone taking over your brain, your common sense, your sense of reason. All that goes out the window and I’m left on a pulsating island of intensity, emotion. And it happens so many times in a day that I couldn’t keep track, its not unusual in the least. It’s alienating, scary, exhausting, and frankly makes me feel like a freak.
I have done So Much work over my life to “get better,” be less depressed, less anxious, less afraid, more willing to reach out. But this feels like coming up against a brick wall. Will I ever stop working to be “better?” Will I ever be content with how and what I am? Will I ever feel OK in my skin? Questions never end.

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domestic violence, power, abuse

Are there other people out here like me, who can’t stand seeing certain types of violence? The tape of Ray Rice, from the NFL, beating his wife has been going around and I only saw a couple moments of it, yet can’t get it out of my mind. I saw a clip from a talk show of what looked to be a fight in high school where the person being beat was kicked in the face repeatedly. I can enjoy some truly brutal violence in movies by people like Quentin Tarantino. That kind of violence is so over the top and doesn’t seem personalized the way a grainy tape of a “regular” fight. What goes through my head and heart when seeing someone being beaten by fists and feet? What the victim was feeling, thinking, doing a moment before they were hit. Whether it was the first time or just an example of what that person has gone through repeatedly. The fear and loss of self that comes when a person is physically and emotionally abused. The way the attacker seems to get bigger as they beat someone they have power over. What the victim goes through everyday; do they work to hide it from the outside world? And what does that do to the victim, forced to pretend things are ok.

I know what its like to be scared of the people who claim to love you, who you live with day to day, to try and maintain a “front,” An image for the world of normalcy. Simply, it sucks. In my angry times I think abusers should be beaten the way they beat someone else. And not just beaten, but their power taken away, forcing them to be unsafe, less then, not listened to. But I know that often abusers have been abused.

“The NFL doesn’t have a Ray Rice problem; they have a violence against women problem.” -NOW-