I Get So Emotional

I often have to remind myself that emotions aren’t the enemy, in truth, it is what I do and say to myself in connection to those feelings that are the problem. It is really difficult to remember that emotions, thoughts, feelings aren’t the enemy when I experience them so intensely. When I am ok one minute and in the next minute -overcome- with loneliness that makes me sick to my stomach and brings tears to my eyes. I just want to get away from the feelings and feel just about anything would be a better option than feeling what I feel. This is where self-harming can come into play.
At some point I recieved a label of “emotional intensity disorder” which I later was told wasn’t a real disorder and something that alot of young women were told they have. I don’t know if its real or not, but it certainly seems it could be and speaks to the problem, the INTENSITY! It’s like something or someone taking over your brain, your common sense, your sense of reason. All that goes out the window and I’m left on a pulsating island of intensity, emotion. And it happens so many times in a day that I couldn’t keep track, its not unusual in the least. It’s alienating, scary, exhausting, and frankly makes me feel like a freak.
I have done So Much work over my life to “get better,” be less depressed, less anxious, less afraid, more willing to reach out. But this feels like coming up against a brick wall. Will I ever stop working to be “better?” Will I ever be content with how and what I am? Will I ever feel OK in my skin? Questions never end.


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