Monthly Archives: March 2015

War

I’ve been struggling alot with my “moods” recently.  I’ve been going way down often, ending up in tears repeatedly through my days, thinking suicidal thoughts, wondering if this is “it;” is this what my life is going to be?  Forty years from now am I going to doing THIS; feeling so alone, thinking I’d be better off dead, wondering why I am trying?  I know I need to focus on what’s in front of me, not the future, but damn, it’s difficult not to wonder.  What a series of shitty days I’ll have lead until I eventually die and alot of people show up at my funeral, people who genuinely cared about me but who I just couldn’t really connect with because of my own issues.  They care about and respect me now, but I continue this life of thinking I am so alone and bad and pointless.  And what does it matter what what other people think and feel about me, right?  It’s about me, and my relationship with myself.  How am I going to change 42 years of THIS?

Some folks will see this as “whining” and that there are harder things to deal with out there, etc etc… but depression isn’t to be played with.  It turns your mind against you in ways so strong that you don’t see reality anymore.  People die from it.  And people live lives of quiet and loud desperation, just hoping for relief.