Even if it’s genetic, just tell the haters that your very act of being alive is so active- so worthwhile- that your body needs to constantly cool itself down.
I wonder if the things I feel and do are anything like other peoples.’ Does anyone else struggle with loneliness so deep and strong that I think of killing myself? Dread going home because it feels like such a lonely place, even with Biscuit and CoCo? Look at groups of people and couples and wish I could somehow, anyhow, be a part? Feel hurt because my neighbors have cars in their driveway and I am humanly alone?
Part of me believes I am just some kind of fuck up, defective, WRONG. And I’ve got my reasons for thinking that, not gonna go into the list right now. I have done so much to be ok, to stay alive, to heal and try and live a life. I know it and I know I am strong. But I am sick of being strong. I want to be craddled in someone’s arms. I want to be part of a group of friends or family. I want a life where feeling intense loneliness and wrongness is not the focus, its just something that comes up sometimes. Instead of feeling like so much of my life is swimming against the current, with exhausted arms.
I am sick of feeling lonely.
I am sick of feeling wrong.
I am sick of the struggle.
And I am damn tired.
One of the things I see other people doing that I seem to have trouble with is having a group of close friends or family and keeping those people close. I don’t seem to be able to have a continuous relationship with many people. To be able to maintain relationships with more than one person. I dont feel a part of much, like I stumble around on the outside, wishing I could get in.
Loneliness is something I’ve struggled with for years. Even when I’m with other people, within moments of getting home, I feel those familiar pangs of “no one to talk to,” “no one to hug,” “no one to watch tv with.” And I allow myself to feel envious, jealous of people around me who seem to have lots of friends, etc, around…
This loneliness thing is something I’ve dealt with for so long that I feel like I don’t know a way out of it. I -DO- keep working on feeling ok with myself. It used to be something I was great at, being alone and being happy about it. And I am grateful I’m not currently closely involved with any addicts. I am grateful for my animals. I am grateful for my friends and family. And so much more. But the loneliness lingers. Sometimes it feels like its smooshing my heart. People I’ve been romantically involved with have gone on and been in other relationships and marriages. And here I am, alone. I don’t know what to do anymore. Loneliness hurts, it stunts me, it affects my ability to connect with others, it leads me to thinking I am less than others.
totally into your ideas for the commercial!
I have ALWAYS hated the Lyrica commerical. To me, it looked like the woman talking about her “widespread pain” just needed a shoulder massage and a pill and VOILA! She was well again and able to take part in her lifestyle unhindered. I took Lyrica for years. It’s an expensive drug that not all insurances will cover. When my husband changed jobs (and I could no longer work), his new benefits refused to cover my Lyrica. I was looking at paying over $200 a month for it, and there was no way we could afford it. I participated in a program that provided it to me free for a year but after that, I made the decision to stop taking it altogether. I have managed better than I thought I would, and I don’t miss the 40+ lbs I was packing (when they say weight gain is a side…
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I am grateful for smelling lillies in WalMart
I am grateful for vanilla candles
I am grateful for getting groceries today
I am grateful I have 2 Moms who love me
I am grateful I have a working car
I am grateful for 12 Step meetings
I am grateful for electric blankets
I am grateful for the way Biscuit snorts and wipes his face after eating
I am grateful for purring, snuggly kitties
I am grateful for this place to share my gratitude
I am grateful anyone cares
I came down to sit in the ped mall for a bit today and got in some major people watching time. And I saw most people in pairs and groups; the ratio of folks walking alone vs. with others was probably 1 to 10. (Dont think thats how you write a ratio, oh well)
And I saw groups of people sitting on patios of restaurants; loud talking and laughing. And I realized how uncomfortable I am in the same setting. Being in a group of people and being expected to interact makes me nervous. Some folks know me as a loud, cuckoo, life of the party type; and that is part of me. It comes out when I am among people I know better and trust a bit. But the idea of joining a group of people already established, already in the midst of conversation; well that scares me. Suppose it goes back to feeling less than others; so I dont value myself and my contribution. That leads to me staying away from gatherings, which leads me to avoid them even more; viscious circle started. I feel lonely and desirous of a tribe, a family, a group but often stay out of the very places I might make such connections.
I can see a movie alone, go places alone, concerts and such and be more comfortable than going with someone else. Again because I want to be liked and feel like I am complicated and when I go out to such things, if I need to leave because my stomachs’ gone wonky, walk super slow because my back is wrenched, leave because I feel clauaterphobic. I feel free to do such things when alone and feel like I am ruining people’s plans. So I stay away and do things alone and keep myself more and more alone if I’m not careful.
A beautiful writing on Fibromyalgia in the early and late hours of the day.
I lie here in the semi-darkness; the room is lit with a weird half glow from the gibbous moon somewhere outside. The darkness is translucent and diaphanous about me, tinged with heady blues and soft blacks and the minute, luminous influence of starlight.
I am alive, vibrant, and humming despite my inevitable fatigue. My body yawns and curls in on itself; my spirit swings wildly in the breeze of my thoughts and flutters on the edge of an abyss. It reaches out with impossible hands to gather the moonlight to myself, to pluck the stars from the sky one by one and place them on my tongue to feel them melt into inexplicable froth and disappear.
The ever present question looms large in the darkness of my supposed rest: what is wrong? Another disease stricken off the list, and I suppose I ought to be grateful for each horrible fate…
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“Empathy is a choice and it is a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling” – Dr Brené Brown, Professor in social work at the University of Houston
From those perfectly spoken words of Professor Brown, we know it’s not easy choosing to be empathetic. But if you mean to support someone you care about or love, it is the way to go, rather than being sympathetic.
I’ve been meaning to share this amazing video from the RSA where Professor Brown explains the difference between sympathy and empathy.
Those of us with going through a hard time, be it with a circumstance, chronic illnesses, especially the misunderstood like fibromyalgia, or mental illness like depression and anxiety will especially be able to relate.
I’ve had all kinds of folk try to silver line my pain…
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