I wonder if the things I feel and do are anything like other peoples.’ Does anyone else struggle with loneliness so deep and strong that I think of killing myself? Dread going home because it feels like such a lonely place, even with Biscuit and CoCo? Look at groups of people and couples and wish I could somehow, anyhow, be a part? Feel hurt because my neighbors have cars in their driveway and I am humanly alone?
Part of me believes I am just some kind of fuck up, defective, WRONG. And I’ve got my reasons for thinking that, not gonna go into the list right now. I have done so much to be ok, to stay alive, to heal and try and live a life. I know it and I know I am strong. But I am sick of being strong. I want to be craddled in someone’s arms. I want to be part of a group of friends or family. I want a life where feeling intense loneliness and wrongness is not the focus, its just something that comes up sometimes. Instead of feeling like so much of my life is swimming against the current, with exhausted arms.
I am sick of feeling lonely.
I am sick of feeling wrong.
I am sick of the struggle.
And I am damn tired.
I am trying out a new idea here, doing a regular weekly (?) post here or sending a weekly email to folks who support me, about the positive things I’ve done that week. I welcome any ideas of how best to do this!
Today I am grateful because I got some things done. That included closing my accounts with GenericLargeBankChain(tm,) depositing those funds into my new Credit Union account, getting my rent sent in with a check from the new account, sorting out a bunch of cords that were tangled on the floor; and in doing so, figuring out which one goes to the tablet and which connects my cell to the computer and labeling said cords; using my TENS Unit, taking a shower, feeding and caring for Biscuit and CoCo, repeating Affirmations out loud, making some needed phone calls, working with Biscuit on his Steps to the Bed, and starting the 365 Days of Gratitude project.
I’m sharing this with ya’ll because I can use your support and encouragement and just because I want to share when I am proud for getting something done that I may have been putting off for months. This effort is part of my movement toward more positivity, more life within my life, more things I can feel good about, and less isolation. I welcome your feedback, but it’s totally up to you. If you are receiving this and would rather not, please let me know that as well.
And THANK YOU! Thank you for being someone I feel safe enough to share my life with. The things I listed here might not seem like a “big deal,” but in my daily struggles with depression, constant pain and fatigue, they ARE a big deal.
I am grateful for Biscuit needing to go outside. I am grateful for the stillness outside. The beautiful covering of snow everywhere.
I am grateful that Hall and Oates exist. I am grateful for the way their music grabs me. I am grateful for the spirit that comes over me when I find myself dancing throughout the apartment while listening to Sara Smile. I am grateful that spirit grabs me and gets me out of the heightened pain I’ve been in lately.
I am grateful for getting out today and playing Bingo, which I always enjoy.
I’m grateful for the warm, fuzzy, cuckoo love Biscuit and CoCo show me daily.
I am grateful for the clarity to see that I DO have much to be grateful for. A roof over my head. Heat. Food. A good bed. An electric blanket. (BestThingEver!) Grateful for my internet access.
And I am grateful that I am not lost in depression and sadness in this moment. There is sadness in my heart. Unresolved issues. Fears. Vulnerability. But in THIS moment, I can feel those things without having them slam me down like a huge ocean wave.
I wonder where I got my “funk” from. My dancing self. My need to snap my fingers, close my eyes, wiggle my body to the beat of what moves me. As I get to know my biological Mom better, I believe I may get that from her. And that, the discovering, is a beautiful thing.
I give thanks to the support I have in my life. I give thanks for AlAnon where I learned there is no problem too great to be lessened and that I don’t have to do this on my own. I am grateful I can hear and listen to music. That I can snap my fingers and bounce my feet around. (for a SHORT amount of time!) I am grateful for this borrowed laptop I am typing on. I am grateful my experiences can help others.
I saw my psychiatrist on Friday. A doc I like and appreciate and can tell that he cares. (Most important factor to me)
We talked again about me feeling depressed, lost, sad, anxious. He went through a list of meds with at least 30 names on it, and I’ve been on almost all of them. This is a regular appointment for me, discussing any options, usually no new ones, for helping the depression and anxiety I struggle with.
But this appointment was different.
He mentioned a newer drug that’s come out and asked if I’d been on it. Amazingly enough, I’ve never been on it. Now I am trying this new med, started on Saturday, and I feel a bit of hope.
Maybe it won’t help at all, but wouldn’t it be great if it DID help? Even to still struggle with depression, but with breaks from the stranglehold it has on my soul. If it just quiets the suicidal impulses. Just helping one of the struggles with my mental health, maybe I could breathe more. Trust more. Be More Heidi.
I am beginning a new dance with an unfamiliar drug. I hope to sing through the rain, rather than having it bog me down and drown me.
I hate depression.
I hate chronic illness and pain.
I hate waking up sick.
I hate feeling anxious and frightened upon waking.
I hate knowing I have much to be grateful for and that not being enough.
I hate thinking propelling myself off a building or cliff is what I should do and thinking it repeatedly.
I hate knowing I am the only one who can change my life, yet feeling I barely have enough energy to breathe and get through the day.
I hate being miserable and wafting that misery wherever I go.
I hate that there aren’t anti depressants to help me.
I hate crying day after day after day.
I hate the knots in my stomach and body, chunks of anxiety and pain.
I hate feeling like I come up against a brick wall everywhere I turn.
I hate knowing there are people who care for me and not being able to take more strength and pleasure in that.
I hate feeling like a broken record.
I hate feeling my life is pointless.
I am SO INCREDIBLY tired of this and I hate not knowing what to do any longer.
I am so very tired of depression. Why is it so strong that it can grab me within hours or minutes of being with another person and having a fine time? Why doesn’t it stay away for awhile and give me a damn break? Why can’t I make the times and feelings of togetherness last? Why does it seem I come back to “always being alone?” (As I say that, I know it’s a distortion, but it sure seems real, often)
Depression sucks. Negative thinking sucks. Loneliness sucks. This “job” of being human sucks for me at this moment. Sucks sucks sucks. I’m tired of distracting and soothing and reaching out and reaching in and using the tools I have. Why do I have to try so hard all the damn time? WHY?
I’ve been thinking the last couple days about how very fortunate I am and feeling grateful that I recognize that good fortune. Somehow I’ve entered into a relationship with a man from England. Somewhat suddenly, I have someone to visit across the pond. And the good fortune to have a best friend who has enough money to share it and help me get to England. I mean, how amazing is that? It’s pretty damn amazing! When I was young, I don’t remember what I dreamed of being, but I never imagined I’d be someone who has been to Europe three times, all through the kindness of friends and loved ones.
Something that has changed within me is that I now have faith. And I don’t necessarily mean “faith in god,” although I am still developing a relationship with my higher power. The faith I have that I -never- had before is that everything will work out. No matter what comes at me, I know I will survive it, I know something else will come, I know there are changes on the horizon, that I never know what life will bring. I know that I really only have control over myself and no one and nothing else. I have control over what I do with my time, my mind, my body, my soul. I have control over what I intake in terms of media, other people, etc… I can recognize the options I have, the choices which never seemed open to me in the past. I can know that I will be ok, somehow. And know it. And I’ll tell you, it really feels good.
I have these options, these choices, this control and it does feel good. This doesn’t mean my mood swings have stopped. It doesn’t mean I don’t get very anxious when I am trying to be social. It doesn’t mean suicidal thoughts have stopped entering my consciousness. It means I have some peace, moments here and there. And that I know there will be more peace if I keep on working my program. I also know there will be more pain, but somehow I am ok with that. It’s still easy for me to get stuck in self pity and feeling my maladies are the result of some crap conspiracy. But I don’t go there as often, and when I am in those places, I don’t stay as long. I will be forever grateful for the person who led me to Al-Anon (for friends and family of alcoholics) and for Al-Anon itself. I have found such healing in the rooms when I hear my story coming out of the lips of so many different people. I began to realize -I Wasn’t Bad- because I didn’t view the other people in my meetings as irrevocably bad, making it possible for me to believe I’m just another human being. Simple and sweet. Complicated and cruel. Lost and found. I am part of the human pack and for that I am also grateful.
Depression has raised it’s ugly head in my existence again and I feel completely exhausted and in pain. I have “medication resistant” depression, which means there aren’t any medications approved that help lift the depression which grabs me and drags me down. I went to a meeting today, one of my survival techniques, and we discussed being in the moment, not spending our whole lives worrying about what WILL be or what WAS, but rather letting those things be and concentrating on the moment in front of us. I always want this magic cure mentioned in the quote. I want to believe there will be SOMETHING I will find that helps dramatically, that holds me away from the bottom far enough that I’m not considering suicide. My struggle is to accept and be with the now, even when it feels like crap, and even when it feels great. I tend to disappear at both ends of the spectrum. What I used to describe as flowing into the feeling, the experience, I now realize, is me essentially disconnecting from my body, from the experience in front of me, from the now.
The fact that I still get suicidal feelings and desires is something I’m really uncomfortable with. I thought, according to my expectations, that I would get to the point where suicide wasn’t an idea I would entertain, I would “refuse” to entertain the idea. But it hasn’t got to that point, regardless of the growth I’ve made in many areas. There is new love in my life, what kind of crap is it that I’m thinking about suicide? Why doesn’t the love cancel out those dark thoughts? Perhaps because there is more work for me to do. I unfairly expect things to “get easy” at some juncture, setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment when I am reminded that life just IS. The good times, horrible times, boring times, sick times, ecstatic times, they are all just LIFE and I can’t take one without the other.
Come along with me, the Cosmic Gypsy, for a raw & unedited barefoot journey through my life with multiple Chronic Illnesses; Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Myofascial Pain, Osteoporosis, Addison's Disease, POTS- just to name a few.
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