Tag Archives: God

Victimhood

Can I tell you what amazing thing I realized this weekend?

I realized I no longer view the world/god/spirit as something out to get me.  In the past, I would spend most my time believing that the pain  in my life was “being done” to me.  And I would see examples of horrible tragedies and think the same sort of thoughts, the world/god/spirit is just mean, with a capital M. Yesterday I was talking with a friend and realized I don’t think that anymore.  I don’t live in a constant state of being the victim, constantly wondering and feeling why life was “out to get me,” (and others.)  I don’t live in that place anymore and I realized this while watching an episode of Louie.  Part 2 of the duckling episode.  Inspiration and realizations can come in the strangest packages.

Now, I am SO GRATEFUL that I can see the world, its ebbs and flows, and I can appreciate it. I realize (most of the time) that there ISN’T some entity out to get me, that this is just life and there is great beauty in it when I can accept that  I see great pain and great joy side by side, and realize it is Life.  Nothing more, nothing less.  This is Life.  And Life is beautiful.

 

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Gratitude in a Power Outage

July 18th, 2012 Somewhere around 3 p.m. Iowa City, Iowa  (originally written on REAL PAPER)  😉

The neighborhood I reside in has lost power. It’s been at least 30 minutes since everything went off and I’m already feeling grateful, after some initial feelings of fear and worry. This is Recovery Stuff. Before Al-Anon I could easily be stuck in fear for hours into days, only focusing on what might go wrong.

Instead I am feeling grateful for the fact that power is “magically” delivered to me the majority of the time. Grateful for the pureness of silence without electricity. No buzzing, humming, noise of the television or radio. What I hear instead is the sound of my pen across the paper, the occasional sound of the house settling, birds outside, cars going by…

Am I nervous, worried, scared somewhat? Yes, but while holding viable options in my head: go for a drive, go to a friends’ place, the library…Am I worried about my health and the lack of power? Yes. I’m concerned about being too hot and that contributing to the nausea, headache, and painful body I am already experiencing. The pain which is fibromyalgia, seeming to come from any and all parts of the inner and outer body: muscle, fat, blood, air, cartilage, bones…

All the while I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have shelter, window air conditioning, refrigerator and freezer, toilet, shower, sink, a big bed. Could I deal with this if I was homeless? If I was working outdoors? Walking back from the food bank with bags of food?

And the gratitude goes further, deeper with the realization that I am able to see and feel my gratitude and realize my good fortune and connectedness with the world.