It struck me today how often I reach for ANYTHING to change, anything to move through troubling feelings and habits. It’s not like I don’t know the answer is acceptance and appreciation of What Is.
I have lived with severe depression, anxiety, and chronic pain for decades. I have done the best I could to engage with other people, with myself, with my Higher Power, with life, with my beloved animals; Ellie and Frizzle.
I’m medicated, have a couple mental health support services, a place to live, food in the house, disability and housing assistance. Even, for the last year or so, a small group of people I call the Support Crew, 1 of whom comes to see me regularly for an hour.
And, in a way, I realize thinking I wasn’t going to have Huge Crashes in the last few years after both parents I grew up with dying and me not being able to go say goodbye to them until they were dead. And I moved to a new city. And got covid and then long covid. So really it’s miraculous I’m still here, still trying, and having times I feel ok or even good in the midst of it all. More miraculous is finding a following on TikTok bc of my dancing and singing along to favorite music.
AND in the last couple years is the first time I all the way embraced that I identify as transgender, transmasculine, and started gender affirming care and testosterone for nearly a year now. So wow, when I sound it out, get if out of the exhausted, frustrated part of my brain I see, really, I’m doing fine. But how can that knowledge exist alongside huge self harming thoughts and desires to just give up already?
And I’m 52 years old, will be 53 in August. I figured this stuff would have worked itself out by now. That i would have found ways to be connected enough with community, Higher Power and myself that the huge up and downs would be over.
Certainly I’m lacking in trans community connections and physical movement. Certainly it’s amazing how much I’ve reached out and engaged during the past few years, where in the past I would’ve completely disappeared until it all blew over. So, yeah, it’s a Hue Ramble (tm.) This is just the start of coming to re document and share my experiences and I hope you’ll stick around with me and engage with your own experience, thoughts, and feelings. And maybe in that we’ll each feel a bit less alone and a bit more heard. 💗✌️
Huemightymoonbeam 